I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
