she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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