Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
