I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Umm I'm too high to move.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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