I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
