You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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