sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We're too hungover to prance.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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