this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
