Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
