things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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