If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
