I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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