So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
