I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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