I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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