FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
