When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
