when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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