I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
