Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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