so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
