I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
