Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
