it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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