There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i will never coherently bang her
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
