Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
and you fell through a lawn chair
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
