When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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