I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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