Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
