i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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