Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
