Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
two words: eviction party
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
