I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So vagazzling was a success
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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