I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
