Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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