everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
