I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
