There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
