you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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