like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
