Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
