i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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