it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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