Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
