i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
