She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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