do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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