So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
