I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
