I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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