If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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