Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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