one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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