Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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