So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
