Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
