I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
