I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
